Friday, September 26, 2008

When the end comes, I don't think anyone, really, is prepared. Sometimes, it's expected, sometimes, it's not. The end can be so surreal, unwavering, confusing, outrageous.

On Friday, September 26th, my sister, Amy, passed away. She was a mother and a grandmother. She was there when I was born, and I was there when she took her last breath. There are few people in the world that you can say knew you your whole life. Your parents, your siblings. I cannot remember a time when she wasn't there. My earliest memories are of myself and her.

I remember sitting on my grandmother's knee watching two guys laying carpet in our living room. Amy was standing next to me, watching these two men rolling out this deep red shag carpeting. The room looked so big without the furniture. I used to have nightmares about the floor....that under the carpet there were big holes and if you weren't careful, you would fall in these holes and be lost forever. When I would wake up crying, Amy would sing me back to sleep.

So many of my childhood memories are about Amy. And usually, she was protecting me from our older sister, who was mean and vindictive.

I remember Amy walking me to school. She was in the sixth grade when I began kindergarden. She held my hand the whole way.

Of course, we still fought like sisters do. She used to stick straight pins through the skin on her fingertips and chase me through the house. She would flip her eyelids up to make me cry.

But my best memory of her.....we shared a bedroom growing up. I have no idea why my parents bought a full sized bed instead of twin beds, but we always shared a bed. Amy couldn't go to sleep unless she was twirling my hair around her finger. I fell asleep every night lying next to her, her fingers so gentle, twisting my hair, letting it fall, then twisting it again. Every night, we fell asleep, talking quietly so our parents didn't hear us. And always, the twirling...I remember when she first moved into the other bedroom(my oldest sister had moved out).....I couldn't sleep. I would crawl into bed with her so she could twirl my hair.

I can't imagine my life without having her here. I know no life without her here. Once there were four souls who knew me from birth. Now, there are only three. I am the youngest. Will I live to watch those other souls go before me? This hurts so bad, I don't think I can take the rest.

I love you, Amy. And I miss you already.