Oh. My. Gawd.
What am I thinking?!?!?
Background: Five years ago, I met my soul mate. From the first date, I couldn't get enough. His sense of humor, his intellect, his lips, his hands....a perfect match. The intensity of our relationship was overwhelming. We connected on levels I didn't even know existed. He felt the same way. It truly seemed like a basic chemical reaction. Like Hydrogen and Oxygen atoms connecting together to form water molecules. Just meant to be.
Then it all turned to shit. I lost our baby, I lost him.
It took me two years to move on to the point of even wanting to date(not to mention the months of therapy, drugs, and tears). It took me another year to actually feel excitement and anticipation when I met someone new(which quickly moved on to boredom). It took me another year to deceive myself into thinking that I didn't love him anymore.
And then...
I emailed him.
Just a little note to say hi, and hoped life was treating him well. I never really expected him to respond. I didn't even know if his email would still work. I sent that little email why? I honestly don't know....maybe some left over obsession creeping out of my subconscious, or maybe I was just lonely and bored.
Three days went by and he responded.
He's in Iraq. On his second tour of duty. He has already volunteered for his third tour. The day he responded he was on a three day R & R...at the base camp. In less than twenty-four hours we emailed back and forth 95 emails. Then he called. We talked for four hours. He told me that he joined the military and left two years ago for basic training, blah blah blah. His mother thinks he has a death wish and joined to find redemption for his actions(hurting me, his family...). I think she's right. And on some level, so does he.
He's found a way to email or call almost every day. When they go out on a mission, and they end up at camps all over, there are computer stations, or phone stations. He's a gunner, sitting up top in the humvee watching for insurgents...or whatever the hell you call them.
When I found out he was in Iraq, I emailed him and told him that I wanted him to know that I forgave him for the hell he put me through, and that in case the worst happened, I had truly loved him and wasn't angry any longer.
He wrote back that in case the worst happened, he wanted me to know that he never stopped loving me, was still in love with me. He told me that he ran because he was terrified. He didn't think himself worthy....and was afraid that I would end up hating him. (Pretty close, dude.)
Here's the 'what the fuck' part....
I still love him.
Clearly I tried my damnedest to fool myself into believing I was over him. But if, on some cellular level we are truly connected, could I ever really be over him? It's like a returning obsession....constantly thinking about him. Actually PRAYING people, that he doesn't get blown up. Then, of course, revising my prayers to include all the soldiers over there...I don't want any of them getting hurt.
Four years ago was the worst time in my life. I did not believe that I would survive. I am one of the most rational, sane, responsible, reasonable, level headed people I know. And I lost my mind back then.
So. Here I am.
Debating my decisions in my head. Rationalizing my decisions....I won't get so involved this time, I will walk away if he starts his shit this time, I will not lose my mind this time, I will remain a LITTLE distant to protect myself this time, I will not love him as deeply this time.
Am I just a sucker? Am I just a victim waiting to get trampled on again? Where does this come from?? Can he actually change his stripes? Or is it convenient for him to portray himself as a lost hero, trying to find redemption in a world where there are so few heroes...and so little forgiveness.
There is so much in my head....it's confusing...and I should be grateful that he is 7,000 miles away so that I can at least have some sort of buffer zone....
I can say this, right now in this moment of time, that I will NOT be a victim. I will NOT lose myself.
I only hope that I can be proud of who I am when and if this is all over.
